Weiseinhemer's World Record for Suicide Attempts

Marcythewhore says: They could have come up with a less conspicuous name than Weisenheimer. Something more Scottish or Irish and a bit less German. Something like McNutty. Anyway, this is a hysterical piece of a Still Life Portrait of the frustration of life shared by many.

As Marcy (me) has said time and time again: Literary giants like Ernest Hemingway and Hunter Thompson (and music icon Kurt Cobain) figured out how to solve the dilemma of suicide. A shotgun. Even without glasses it is really fucking hard to miss yourself with a scatter twelve gauge............marcythewhore



Disillusioned Man Sets World Record For Most Attempted Suicides

MIAMI BEACH —

A man has made history by swallowing twelve Xanax pills he found in his mother's medicine cabinet and making his 47th suicide attempt, shattering the previous record of 46 held by a quadriplegic in Mexico.

When he awoke from a seven hour coma, he was informed by his mother's boyfriend of his unmatched achievement."I didn't even know about the record," said he said. "I just hate my life."

Osgood Wisenheimer has a well documented history of trying to take his own life, dating back to when he was just six years old. "I jumped off the roof, but it was only 12 feet high. I didn't die, but I did break my pelvis," he told Larry King last night. "

Over the years, there were more roofs and pills and stuff that I would drink from under the sink, but it seemed like I was always a day late and a dollar short."

Wisenheimer has actually been the beneficiary of some unbelievably good luck during his world record run, depending on your perspective. He survived a seven story fall by landing on an ambulance and has also had his life spared by a quick thinking subway conductor. The conductor said, "All of a sudden there was this guy on the tracks running towards the train. I slammed on the brakes, and the train was only going about 20 mph when we hit him.

What a mess."If you name it, Wisenheimer has probably tried it. He has tried to slit his wrists, overdose, jump, and drown himself."Most of the time, I would end up taking half as many pills as I planned to, or jump from half as high. I guess you could say most of them were half-assed attempts. It got to a point where I was trying to kill myself because I was so upset at my failures," he said.

He has never held a decent job. He has never been intimate with a woman. Nevertheless, he and Joe DiMaggio can sleep well at night with the knowledge that they have set records which will probably never be broken, at least not by some quadriplegic in Mexico.

Jarrett Blakeleyc2001-2005 Garlic News