Marcy Gets Busted for Massaging an ET…
Looky here, I’ve been running a chain of massage parlors in Chicago long enough to know how to deal with the Chicago police.
Why, my great grandma was giving massages to Frank Nitti and the Capone brothers. My grandma gave massages to Paul ‘The Waiter’ Ricca, Tony Accardo and Sam Giancana. My mother, god rest her soul she dearly departed early, she became a nun and gave massages to the Irish priests in Chicago.
I know what to do when a vice cop comes into one of my massage parlors for a shake down. You do what every good business woman in Chicago does when a vice cop comes in with a story, you give him a hundred dollars and your compliments to the chief. It’s been that way in Chicago since the day Hymie Weiss got Tommy Gun mowed down while walking out of his neighborhood Catholic Church.
But yesterday when the vice sergeant came in with a cock-and-bull story so he could get an extra hundred shakedown, well, it wasn’t so much the extra hundred. Times are tough in the Chicago P.D. I know that. It’s when the vice cops come in with a story so bullshit that it makes me feel as though they have no respect for the intelligence of massage parlor owners anymore.
The sergeant said that I was guilty of giving a massage to an Extra Terrestrial.
I said, “What’s’at you say?!”
He repeats himself all high minded like, “You gave a massage to Joe Schmoe yesterday, and we have it on file that Joe Schmoe is an Extra Terrestrial.”
I says, “You say what?”
Now, Joe Schmoe ain’t my customer’s real name. But I am dedicated to the principle of protecting my clientele’s identity. But let me tell you this, if Joe Schmoe is an E.T., he ain’t been home for a long, long time. Cause Joe has been coming into my massage parlor for years for a massage and Happy Ending. Now the vice sergeant is telling me that Joe Schmoe is from far off planet where Captain Kirk once visited and that I’m going to get a fine and possible prison time for giving an ET a massage.
“Okay, fine!” I says to the vice sergeant. “So, what! Let’s just say for the sake of argument that Joe is an ET.” And I’m already going into my safe to get the extra hundred out so I can make this bullshit story and the sergeant go away. “What’s the big deal that I can’t give an ET a massage, anyways?”
The sergeant of vice looks at me all confident and supreme like when he informs me, “You have violated the Extra-Terrestrial Exposure Act.” And he hands me a card like he was telling me that I don’t have to say anything without a lawyer, except the card is telling me what the ET Exposure Act is:
On 16 July 1969, a United States law was passed called the "Extra-Terrestrial Exposure Law" that made it illegal for the public to come in contact with extra-terrestrials or their vehicles. (Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations). Anyone found guilty of such contact could face up to one year imprisonment as well as a fine of $5000.
I read this bullshit law and says to the vice sergeant, “This is the Patriot Act before there was a Patriot Act!”
He says back to me, “The law’s the law, ya know, Marcy.”
I say, “Is this going to cost me more than a hundred to make this go away….and am I going to have to charge Joe Schmoe an extra hundred every time he comes in for a Happy Ending?”
“A hundred will do for now, Marcy,” the vice sergeant says to me, patting me on the shoulder like he was the school principle and I’d just learned a valuable lesson. “We’ll see what we can do about getting Joe Schmoe a green card so that he’s not longer an illegal alien in town, and he can come get a Happy Ending for the same flat fee.”
I say, “Why, thank you, officer. And next time you got an outer space story to tell, why, you just make sure that Sigourney Weaver is in the story somewhere. I do like her acting.”…………………….marcythewhore
Why, my great grandma was giving massages to Frank Nitti and the Capone brothers. My grandma gave massages to Paul ‘The Waiter’ Ricca, Tony Accardo and Sam Giancana. My mother, god rest her soul she dearly departed early, she became a nun and gave massages to the Irish priests in Chicago.
I know what to do when a vice cop comes into one of my massage parlors for a shake down. You do what every good business woman in Chicago does when a vice cop comes in with a story, you give him a hundred dollars and your compliments to the chief. It’s been that way in Chicago since the day Hymie Weiss got Tommy Gun mowed down while walking out of his neighborhood Catholic Church.
But yesterday when the vice sergeant came in with a cock-and-bull story so he could get an extra hundred shakedown, well, it wasn’t so much the extra hundred. Times are tough in the Chicago P.D. I know that. It’s when the vice cops come in with a story so bullshit that it makes me feel as though they have no respect for the intelligence of massage parlor owners anymore.
The sergeant said that I was guilty of giving a massage to an Extra Terrestrial.
I said, “What’s’at you say?!”
He repeats himself all high minded like, “You gave a massage to Joe Schmoe yesterday, and we have it on file that Joe Schmoe is an Extra Terrestrial.”
I says, “You say what?”
Now, Joe Schmoe ain’t my customer’s real name. But I am dedicated to the principle of protecting my clientele’s identity. But let me tell you this, if Joe Schmoe is an E.T., he ain’t been home for a long, long time. Cause Joe has been coming into my massage parlor for years for a massage and Happy Ending. Now the vice sergeant is telling me that Joe Schmoe is from far off planet where Captain Kirk once visited and that I’m going to get a fine and possible prison time for giving an ET a massage.
“Okay, fine!” I says to the vice sergeant. “So, what! Let’s just say for the sake of argument that Joe is an ET.” And I’m already going into my safe to get the extra hundred out so I can make this bullshit story and the sergeant go away. “What’s the big deal that I can’t give an ET a massage, anyways?”
The sergeant of vice looks at me all confident and supreme like when he informs me, “You have violated the Extra-Terrestrial Exposure Act.” And he hands me a card like he was telling me that I don’t have to say anything without a lawyer, except the card is telling me what the ET Exposure Act is:
On 16 July 1969, a United States law was passed called the "Extra-Terrestrial Exposure Law" that made it illegal for the public to come in contact with extra-terrestrials or their vehicles. (Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations). Anyone found guilty of such contact could face up to one year imprisonment as well as a fine of $5000.
I read this bullshit law and says to the vice sergeant, “This is the Patriot Act before there was a Patriot Act!”
He says back to me, “The law’s the law, ya know, Marcy.”
I say, “Is this going to cost me more than a hundred to make this go away….and am I going to have to charge Joe Schmoe an extra hundred every time he comes in for a Happy Ending?”
“A hundred will do for now, Marcy,” the vice sergeant says to me, patting me on the shoulder like he was the school principle and I’d just learned a valuable lesson. “We’ll see what we can do about getting Joe Schmoe a green card so that he’s not longer an illegal alien in town, and he can come get a Happy Ending for the same flat fee.”
I say, “Why, thank you, officer. And next time you got an outer space story to tell, why, you just make sure that Sigourney Weaver is in the story somewhere. I do like her acting.”…………………….marcythewhore
posted by marcythewhore at 7:34 AM
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