Marcythewhore presents: … Father Guido Sarducci

There were actually more than ten, but Moses was old and grumpy, and after he broke the tablets he could only remember the negative ones. "Don't do this. Don't do that." The truth is, most of them were more like advice. The Twelfth Commandment, for example, was "Whistle while you work." (People think its from Disney, but Disney stole it from God.)…

Life is a job. You get $14.50 a day, but after you die, you have to pay for your sins. Stealing a hub cap is around $100. Masturbation is 35 cents (it doesn't seem like much, but it adds up). If there's money left when you subtract what you owe from what you've earned, you can go to heaven. If not, you have to go back to work. (Sort of like reincarnation -- many nuns are Mafia guys working it off.)

………… Father Guido Sarducci




Pope Breaks with Tradition; Names Successor

THE VATICAN -- Before being rushed to the hospital, Pope John Paul II didn’t think he was going to make it through the night and, upsetting centuries of Papal tradition, named his own successor. The 84-year-old leader of the Catholic Church was having trouble breathing and could barely whisper the name of the next Pope to those gathered around him.

In Marin County, California a special delegation of Papal representatives knocked on the door of one of the most faithful of the Catholic Church. Just as the sun was rising this morning, a sleepy Father Guido Sarducci came to the door and learned of the wonderful news. “I can not-a believa theese ting! Are you-a sure he called on me? This is just-a so outrageous! My life has-a been without-a meaning since I failed to get on-a that California recall ballot. But this-a Pope thing sounds like even-a better job-a.”

Father Guido Sarducci became well known to TV viewers during the 1970’s on Satuday Night Live. The zany, flamboyant priest made many appearances on SNL, as well as married With Children and the Garry Shandling Show.Father Sarducci went on to say, “I know-a I offend many higher ups in-a the Catholic Church, but at-a least I never molested any young-a boys like all those other priests.”

Spoof reporter Morgan Truce asked the Pope-to-be, “Why do you think Pope John Paul II called on you to be the next Pope?”“Well, I-a tell you… the man was not in-a his right mind. He was already playing with those-a pigeons every day-a, and that’s-a not a good sign for a Pope."

The Best Golfer in the World Takes on the Best Rap Singer in the World Who Takes on the Best ex-Nazi Pope in the World

Diveacje said... I posted on my site. Here it is anyway though:He never killed a single person. Really. And actually during Hitler's time people were "promoted" for no reason at all because commanding positions were needed in Hitler's exponentially growing army. People were often given higher ranks for being in the right place at the right time (although I have no idea if this is the case with Benedict).

Also, there are fewer than 10 German cardinals (I don't know the actual number). Their ages have quite a large range, and because Hitler's reign was so short, many of them were probably too young at the time to be forced into Hitler's army. You make it out to seem that all Cardinals were in Benedict's same time and place, where actually only a couple probably were.

So if you can tell me any facts that show his officer position was as a result of Nazi violence, it would do your argument alot of good……………Diveacje



Marcythewhore says: Dear Sympathetic to the Cause Diveacje,
So, you’re Jewish. Well, sounds to me like you’d make a good Catholic.

Let’s see. You’re a Nazi anti-aircraft artillery officer directing gunfire at high flying American and British airplanes that are trying to bomb the BMW plant that is using slave labor from the Dachau concentration camp……and you didn’t kill any American or British flyers.

Okay, maybe Benedict was a lousy Nazi artillery officer who couldn’t hit a cow in the ass with a shovel, but he sure did try hard to hit American and British bombers high in the sky.

And you say that I need to bolster my argument. How do I bolster an argument against a Jew defending a Nazi?

I guess it’s like former NBA player Charles Barkley said that you can tell when the world is going upside down when the best golfer in the world is black (tiger woods) and the best rap artist in the world is white (eminem).

But if a Jew is going to defend a Nazi it is like, like…..okay, let me use an analogy here.

At a restaurant, when men have to go pee they just go and pull down their zippers and stand there peeing and then come right back to the table. When a massage parlor whore like myself has to get up to go pee, I got to go pull up my dress, pull down my stocking, pull down my underwear and sit down and all that. And when I get back to the table the man invariably says, “What took you so long?”

Anyway, one time at a restaurant my girlfriend goes to the bathroom and she comes back real quick like. I ask her, “How did you pee so fast?” She said that it was simple, that “I just pull my underwear and stockings over to one side and pee without pulling everything down.”

That intrigued me. So I go into the bathroom and I pull my underwear and stockings and everything to one side, I sit down and proceed to piss all over myself.

So, trying to argue with a Jew defending a Nazi is nothing short of pissing all over myself. But, hell, I suppose I can accept a very surreal world where nobody knows whose on what side anymore.

Instead of trying to defend myself I’ll share a little story with you about a Polish Catholic Priest named Maximilian Kolbe. The Nazis at Auschwitz put Father Kolbe into a starvation chamber, then finished him off by inject cabolic acid into his bloodstream because this Catholic priest defied the Nazis.

Max Kolbe wasn’t Jewish.

Anyway, here’s a link to Max Kolbe’s story in case you want to read for yourself……….marcythewhore

http://www.marypages.com/KolbeEng.htm

How To Become a Nazi Officer....flee to the border

Diveacje said...
I think you should know that although Benedict was a Nazi Youth, it was not something he could control. He actually ran away from the Nazi army when he was ordered to join, and did not take part in any antisemeitc gatherings. I am Jewish.

Marcythewhore said: Dear Mr. (or Mrs.) Diveacje: You’re Jewish and out of 116 Cardinals Benedict is the only ex-Nazi.

But I don’t think it matters if you anyone is Jewish or Hindu or whatever. Hell, Hitler’s grandparents were Jewish.

But if it is as you say that Benedict ran away from the army….how was it he became an artillery officer in the Nazi army?

I mean, World War Two was a little before my time, but what I do know about armies is that if you run away they either shoot you or put you in prison. They don’t make you an officer.

And, gee, Hitler only made it to Corporal during the First World War………………..marcythewhore

Famous People Who Masturbate and Get Caught

Dear Marcy, do you masturbate? Hip Guy in Sheboygan

marcythewhore says: Dear Lost Soul in Sheboygan Wherever That Is: When? You mean like now? While I'm typing with one hand?

Okay, to be very honest with you, I'm not famous enough to masturbate. Not yet. Not like famous people like Oprah and Bill Clinton and Johnny Carson who got away with masturbating with a vibrator under his table while on camera for a couple of decades.

Some day I hope to be famous enough to masturbate.

Only famous people masturbate. I'm supplying you with a short list of famous masturbators.........marcythewhore



26 Oct 1440
Gilles de Rais, one of the wealthiest noblemen in France, is executed for heresy after he is found to have engaged in the kidnap, sodomization, and murder of 200 young boys from the lower classes. Rais enjoyed masturbating on the stomachs of the boys as they suffered excruciating deaths, sometimes also enjoying necrophilia with their corpses.

1 Nov 1896
Tits appear for the first time in National Geographic, starting a trend of providing masturbation material to youth for decades. The tits are attached to a Zulu woman.

13 Dec 1973
The Reverend Jim Jones is arrested in a cruisy movie theater bathroom in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, Jones had the bad luck to hit on an undercover LAPD vice officer while masturbating in the Westlake Theatre men's room.

12 Dec 1980
"Whip It" earns Devo a gold record. It is the first distinction of its kind for any song about masturbation. Whip it good.

19 Jan 1991
Wendy O Williams, of the Plasmatics, arrested for masturbating herself onstage with a sledgehammer.

15 May 1991
Alan Cooper stands trial in England for "committing a lewd, obscene, and disgusting act on the 12-foot dolphin called Freddie as they frolicked for 20 minutes off the harbor mouth at Amble, Northumberland." Cooper responds by claiming that his accuser was a sworn enemy and had trained dolphins for a movie to jump out of the water and tear off a woman's bikini bra. He is eventually acquitted of masturbating the cetacean.

26 Jul 1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-Wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.

9 Dec 1994
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders dismissed after suggesting discussion of masturbation in school classes on sexuality. This gives rise to the euphemistic term "firing the surgeon general."

23 Jul 1996
The Reverend Robert Moorehead is arrested with another man in a public restroom in Daytona Beach, Florida. Allegedly, they had been masturbating in the presence of undercover police officers. The case is later dropped and all records sealed.

19 Oct 1997
During the warm-up act at the Pittsburgh Civic Arena, 4,642 Motley Crue fans - including a few minor children - are treated to a vignette from a pornographic video projected above the stage. The scene depicts a naked woman masturbating with a dildo and performing fellatio. Tommy Lee does not appear in the video.

7 Apr 1998
Pop singer George Michael is arrested by an undercover police officer after wanking in front him in a public toilet. One of our rotten.com staffers has checked out the restroom (at Will Rogers Memorial Park in Beverly Hills) and reports that it continues to be "cruisy."

11 Jan 1999
Heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson declares: "I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

2 Aug 1999
On Rivera Live, conservative freak Ann Coulter tells Geraldo Rivera: "(Clinton) masturbates in the sinks."

17 May 2000
Matthew Glavin, President of the Southeastern Legal Foundation, is arrested by an undercover officer on Medlock Bridge road in the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area, near Atlanta. Glavin was masturbating and attempting to fondle the officer. The SLF had spearheaded the attempt to get President Bill Clinton disbarred in Arkansas.

17 Nov 2003
During an interview with Diane Sawyer, pop star Britney Spears discusses her new ode to onanism:

SPEARS: I have one song, it's called "Touch of My Hand," that's talking about you with yourself, which is a little much. But, it's a reality that we have. [...] Yes, I can relate to that song. And like, we all can, you'd be lying if you said you couldn't. But there is a -- I mean, it's not something you openly talk about with a lot of people. It's something sacred; and it's something I wanted to write about, so...

SAWYER: "Sacred"?

SPEARS: No, the song, "Touch of My Hand" -- talking about indulging in yourself.

SAWYER: And that's sacred?

SPEARS: It is sacred to me, but in a way -- explaining -- um, okay. I'm confusing myself right now.


http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/masturbation/

Step by Step Primer on How They Chose a Nazi for Pope

You really need to study up on your Papal history in picking Popes.

First off, someone put a pillow over John Paul 1 head....or was it poison? Anyway, John Paul 1 apparently scared the Bejesus out of the puppetmasters real fast and they had to get rid of him quick....

So they pick a Polish guy and name him John Paul II so that nobody would catch onto that they whacked John Paul I for God knows what reason John Paul I scared the Bejesus out of them.....
...then they hired some Turkish nut case to shoot John Paul II. They probably got the Turkish nutcase the same place they got John Hinkley. A wound here or there and John Paul II is just like Ronnie Reagan, just a little less for the wear.....

...anyway, they figure that wounding John Paul II would surely shorten his life. But they didn't count on the ghost of St. Max Kolbe coming to the rescue (Max Kolbe was a Polish Priest who died at Auschwitz). John Paul II continue to live on and on....

...and the puppetmasters can't afford another assassination attempt cause now it is all getting to look pretty suspicious to even the most stupid of people who think Lee Harvey Oswald was actually a good shot while in the Marines.....

...and if you check Lee Harvey Oswald Marine Corp shooting records you'll see that he was barely adequate......

...anyway, back to John Paul II and the ghost of Max Kolbe, John Paul keeps on ticking and living and really, really making the puppetmasters nervous cause at any moment John Paul II might start giving away the Papal treasury to feed the poor or something equally outlandish.....

...but finally the ghost of Max Kolbe gives up the ghost and John Paul II finally dies.........

...Next they pick a former Nazi to be Pope, and being a former Nazi means that he was in World War Two, which was a long time ago, and knowing how many people have a grudge against Nazis it won't look all that bad if some Jewish zealot hit man whacks the Nazi Pope....

...cause the Puppetmasters don't want this Pope around for too long while they bid their time for the next Vatican City game plan....

...Oh, by the way: The reason the Puppetmasters chose a second in a row non-Italin for Pope (and you got to go back centuries and centuries to the last time that two non-Italians in a row were Pope) is because, well, the puppetmasters don't want everybody watching the Italians......marcythewhore

Weiseinhemer's World Record for Suicide Attempts

Marcythewhore says: They could have come up with a less conspicuous name than Weisenheimer. Something more Scottish or Irish and a bit less German. Something like McNutty. Anyway, this is a hysterical piece of a Still Life Portrait of the frustration of life shared by many.

As Marcy (me) has said time and time again: Literary giants like Ernest Hemingway and Hunter Thompson (and music icon Kurt Cobain) figured out how to solve the dilemma of suicide. A shotgun. Even without glasses it is really fucking hard to miss yourself with a scatter twelve gauge............marcythewhore



Disillusioned Man Sets World Record For Most Attempted Suicides

MIAMI BEACH —

A man has made history by swallowing twelve Xanax pills he found in his mother's medicine cabinet and making his 47th suicide attempt, shattering the previous record of 46 held by a quadriplegic in Mexico.

When he awoke from a seven hour coma, he was informed by his mother's boyfriend of his unmatched achievement."I didn't even know about the record," said he said. "I just hate my life."

Osgood Wisenheimer has a well documented history of trying to take his own life, dating back to when he was just six years old. "I jumped off the roof, but it was only 12 feet high. I didn't die, but I did break my pelvis," he told Larry King last night. "

Over the years, there were more roofs and pills and stuff that I would drink from under the sink, but it seemed like I was always a day late and a dollar short."

Wisenheimer has actually been the beneficiary of some unbelievably good luck during his world record run, depending on your perspective. He survived a seven story fall by landing on an ambulance and has also had his life spared by a quick thinking subway conductor. The conductor said, "All of a sudden there was this guy on the tracks running towards the train. I slammed on the brakes, and the train was only going about 20 mph when we hit him.

What a mess."If you name it, Wisenheimer has probably tried it. He has tried to slit his wrists, overdose, jump, and drown himself."Most of the time, I would end up taking half as many pills as I planned to, or jump from half as high. I guess you could say most of them were half-assed attempts. It got to a point where I was trying to kill myself because I was so upset at my failures," he said.

He has never held a decent job. He has never been intimate with a woman. Nevertheless, he and Joe DiMaggio can sleep well at night with the knowledge that they have set records which will probably never be broken, at least not by some quadriplegic in Mexico.

Jarrett Blakeleyc2001-2005 Garlic News

Underground Vatican City....An Upside Down Skyscraper

Dear Marcy,
I somehow feel that Dan and Der Papa are so much into focusing on their own specific texts, that they wouldn't consider anything out of the ordinary like the NagHammadi Library.

I wonder what they would think of the text called The Origin of the World?

Wisdom (Sophia) was present at the foundation of the universe, including the heavens and the earth. Wisdom is part of the 72 names of God, according to Kabballah.

Somehow I suspect that Der Papa may have a little trouble with the concept that God has a feminine aspect, that aspect being Wisdom.

I wonder if Dan, who has been researching the Sacred Feminine, would find any correlation to this?

Hmmmmm?............Wondering in Washington

Marcythewhore says: Dear Wondering Whatever Happened to the Basement in Washington: You ever hear that joke about the basement in the Alamo? You know the one where you tell a tourist that when they go to visit the Alama in San Antonio to ask to see the basement where Davy Crockett is supposedly buried.

Anyway, as for the NagHammadi Library and the Dead Sea Scrolls and a lot of other ancient writings, don't underestimate the Vatican.

The Vatican is the planet's wealthiest little piece of real estate less than a square mile on the surface. When tourists go to see St. Peter's Square and the Sistine Chapel Ceiling and all of that, they don't see what's underground.

The Vatican Underground would be a tour guide's dream for making big money.

Someone has been digging underneath the Vatican since the days of the Caesars, back when they were catacombs. Through the years the catacombs under the Vatican have been remodeled to be anything from archival libraries to nuclear missile launch silos.

And after one floor of catacombs has been remodeled, someone dug down another floor. The labyrinth under the Vatican makes the tunnels the Viet Cong dug in Vietnam look like small networks. There's more mileage down there than the New York City subway system.

One guess is that the Vatican Underground is forty stories down so far.

My guess is that it is twice that much..........and there ain't going to be any airplanes running into this skyscraper turned upside down.........................marcythewhore

You Can Email Either the Pope or Dan Brown

The Pope’s email addy:

The English version of the pope's e-mail address is: benedictxvi@vatican.va

The Italian one is is: benedettoxvi@vatican.va.




And if you are tired of waiting for the Pope to reply to your email, while you are reading the Da Vinci Code you can email author Dan Brown:


The Official Web Site of Bestselling Author Dan Brown

http://www.danbrown.com/

.................marcythewhore

paucus pallabris and a living will

Therefore, paucus pallabris: let the world slide. Sessa!
............................William Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew

paucus pallabris: few words
Sessa!: lie quiet!............................................marcythewhore

From Ogie’s Blog:

Subject: Living Will I, __________________________ , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, or any other year.

It is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me.

I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell. _____________________________Signature

Herr Pope Brown Shirt

marcythewhore says: Say ten 'Our Fathers' and 25 'Sieg Heils' and get on with your day's business.

I don't know if it's true that Brown Shirt Christians around the world are trying to figure out how to glue a swastika onto a crucifix, and practicing to genuflect while giving a stiff armed salute. But out of 116 Cardinals they picked the one who was a Nazi?

Well, I say thank God they didn't pick one who used to be a pedohile.

By the by, Father Michael Jackson just sort of rolls off the tongue, don't it?

I have heard reports that heavily tattooed skinheads are lining up to be baptized Catholic.

Meanwhile, here in Chicago, the salt lick Virgin Mary's image under the Elevated bridge has given the faithful new hope.

All this on April 20th, Hitler's birthday? Now, I'm not into that numerology stuff. In fact math was my worst subject. But I have to ask if the coming of the silver tongued antichrist is supposed to be this obvious, or is Satan getting sloppy in taking over the world............marcythewhore

It's Official: The New Popes Are:

Siegfried and Roy..................................marcy

A Whore Should Never Go Cheap

"According to today's issue of Parade Magazine: The government spent morethan $40 million for the Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky investigations butonly $15 million for the 9/11 Commission to examine the terrorist atacks ofSep. 11, 2001."

marcythewhore says: We whores have our values systems. And our caste system. Those of us whores who go cheap are like the dirty people in India who have to walk in Brahma bull droppings because they aren't allowed to walk on the same soil as other folk. But believe me, Monica Lewinsky is far from the hightest paid whore in Washington. I heard Monica doesn't even own stock in Haliburton........................marcythewhore

Mass Produced Michelangelos and ET Colonization:

Mass Produced Michelangelos and ET Colonization:

Dear Marcy, I wondered if you believe in Extra-Terrestrial colonization and the commercial appeal to the idea of mass producing Renaissance masterpieces. I’ve sent you some thoughts on the subject. Do you have any advice for me?...........An Art Student in Sarasota

Dear Art Student Making Plastic Dildos, try to remember the lesson John Delorean learned the hard way in making stainless steel automobiles. His automobile was used in the movie ‘Back to the Future’ as a Time Machine, and Delorean was busted by the FBI for money laundering. Delorean’s name has since been linked with the perennial quest to develop a real time machine. And in all honesty, yes, we here at Marcy’s Massage Parlor Emporiums do use mass produced vibrators for Happy Endings. So I will pass your little thought along to my one-handed readers……………..marcythewhore



From an Art Student in Sarasota:

Mass Produced Michelangelos: The theory behind mass production is to never have enough of something.

When it is possible to have one Pieta, have ten, or twenty, or however many the market will bear.

The problem with the degradation of the Sistine Chapel ceiling is that over the centuries countless numbers of tourists have passed through the building leaving humidity to eat away at the paint. Think Cineplex architecture to spread the masses out. What? You think there is only one Disney World on this planet?

To have mass production is to certainly sacrifice something. In the case of the Pieta and the Sistine Chapel it’s anachronism. Nothing is free in the world of mass appeal. Cloning the Mona Lisa is sure to lead to certain disputes. Hell, a fistfight at an NBA game leads to endless rounds of dispute over who is right and wrong.

Buddha statutes have enjoyed great amounts of success from being cloned. If there was only one Buddha statue in all of China, and being that China won’t let anyone come into their walled in country, then no one would see a Buddha statue.

Some religions ban iconography altogether. No statues or likenesses of anything supernal. No tapestries depicting the likeness of prophets to lay over hardwood living room floors or depend from the wall over the sofa.

If you think Michelangelo did not understand the appeal of mass production then you don’t understand Michelangelo’s psyche. The prodigious artist chiseled away endlessly at Carrara marble to keep up with the demand for Medici style tombs. Michelangelo simply didn’t have air-compressed chisels in his day. Otherwise the maestro would have died an extremely wealthy man after having carved a tomb for every wealthy noble person in Renaissance Italy.



The other day a group of us art students gathered to discuss the potential reality of mass colonization of this planet Earth by extra-terrestrial beings.

This concept implies that life had originally been put on this planet to be observed in evolution as some kind of cosmic zoo.

My contention is, “Who on some other world has the time to watch us for ten or twenty thousand years until we blow ourselves completely off the face of this planet?”

Then I think of entertainment value. The desire for entertainment never quits, no matter what species. Here on earth, the gladiator games began with ancient Greece to be eventually sensationalized in the age of Imperial Rome. Today we have pit bull dog fighting, professional wrestling, Korea, Afghanistan, Vietnam, uncountable African civil wars and an international industry in the trade of drugs for military hardware.

On the brighter side, we as a gladiatorial species have been worth watching for the past ten or twenty thousand years. Whoever put us here in the first place, they’ve surely been getting their ticket sale’s money’s worth.

Yes, intelligent thinking ancient Greece who gave us Plato, Aristotle and Socrates also gave us the gladiator games, albeit in an unrefined form compared to what we have today. Because today we have worldwide satellite coverage of the Olympic Games, both Winter and Summer, whereas in ancient Greece the city-states had to call a truce to their ongoing wars to trudge their best soldier-athletes out onto a common playing field so that they could kill each other in fair-and-square sporting events.

And in the nude, too.

Rather than fight the traditional combat style of wearing armor, the ancient Greeks honored the Gods by having their athletic soldiers fight to the death in the nude.

You know that story about Hector and Ajax meeting outside the walls of Troy for a man en mano duke out, well, that was an early version of the Olympic Games.

The Greeks had their games every dozen years or so, since it took a lot of time to trudge everyone from the four corners of the Aegean Peninsula into a common arena. The Romans came up with the bright idea of mass producing bloody slave fights every weekend by constantly conquering and enslaving people for five or six hundred years of Pax Romana, Peace in Rome.

We’ve got cable, reruns, syndications and sports bars.




Ergo, while the Swiss gave us the cuckoo clock, the Italian Renaissance gave us the Hundred Years War that actually lasted a hundred and fifty years.

And a lot of churches.

Or, as Homer Simpson said, “I don’t know much about God but we sure made a nice cage to keep him in.”

I, for one, believe that we as a species have managed to earn our bread over the millennium keeping our extra-terrestrial colonizers entertained.

Possibly the most humorous entertainment we’ve been able to provide our ET forebears are the many sci-fi movies where we earthlings pummel the invading space aliens with our canons and tanks and automatic rifles.

ET colonizers must laugh and laugh and laugh at the sheer audacity of our fictive imaginations.
As an art student I don’t see what would be wrong with mass producing the Pieta or the Sistine Chapel ceiling for the entertainment pleasure of our benefactors.

Thank you, marcythewhore, for letting me vent:

An Art Student From Sarasota

Demon Locator

Demon Locator:

http://pub48.bravenet.com/guestmap/show.php?usernum=4039843453&lightmap=0&icons=0&&entrylist=0&zoom=0&welcome=1

Marcy's (me) Interactive Massage Parlors and Cinema

"When a woman becomes a scholar, there is usually something wrong with her sex organs." Friedrich Nietzsche

Marcythewhore says: No, Gentle Fucked Up Readers, I didn’t want to talk about Friedrich Nietzsche. I was merely trying to sound like an intellectual and remembered who it is that reads my columns.

I will instead talk about Interactive Massage Parlors and Cinema. For those of you who don’t know what a massage parlor is, what the hell are you doing reading my advice column.

For those of you who don’t know what Interactive Cinema is, well dear gentle fucked up readers, marcy (me) is going to tell you. Remember movies of the past when you paid x amount of dollars and sat in the Cineplex eating popcorn while being entertained until your brain turns to mulch. You had a beginning, a middle and an end of a movie laid out for you so that you didn’t even have to think how they did that with special effects. It just happened on the screen and you could leave the theater able to say that you saw the movie.

The catch word is ‘saw’ the movie.

You didn’t make the movie. You didn’t edit the movie. You didn’t even appear in the movie as an extra. You were entertained.

Interactive Cinema is the movie of the future where the audience gets involved. For example, you go to see the Interactive Version of Nightmare on Elm Street. When the actor is going to walk into a dark room, and you know that Freddy Kruger is there waiting for her, you scream at the screen, “Don’t go in there!”

It’s like an Interactive Video game, except this is a movie. The actress here’s you scream and she doesn’t go into the dark room to be shredded by Freddy Kruger.

Of course this presents a problem because if you, the audience, have told the actor not ot go into the dark room, well, the actor has to do something alternative to keep the story going. Now it’s up to you, the audience en masse, to keep the movie going.

So, some sadistic bloodthirsty beast in the audience stands up and yells, “Don’t listen to these assholes! Go into that dark room!”

Okay, the actor is standing there staring out at the audience like she’s in a 3-D movie and not knowing what to do next. Does she go into the dark room or does she wait for further instructions to do something else.

Next it is up to the audience to build a quorum of those who want the actress to go into the dark room versus those who want the actress to go to Iraq instead.

Remember this, dear Interactive Audience of the future, it’s up to you whether this actress gets an academy award nomination nod.

Anyway, Marcy (me) will be showing interactive cinema at her chain of Chicago based massage parlors. If you want to see your favorite actress get nude and maybe masturbate for you or something, rather than go into a dark room, here is your chance………..marcythewhore

The Marquis Du Sade and Fed-Ex

Marcythewhore says: A while back marcy (me) properly stated that Brown Shirt Christians love pain and masochism so much that the Marquis Du Sade is their shadow patron saint. A Washington, DC reader of marcy's (me) wrote this thought..........................

"if i recall correctly... the Marquis D'Sade wore puce. and brown shirts are worn by delivery guys... fact is, they are referred to as "Brown" even if they are actully UPS."

How true and observant this reader from Washington truly is. Next time you receive a delivery from a Fed-ex type person, check to see if they are wearing any unusual jewelry, if they have stange tattoos, or if they have a look in their eyes that they require 'deprogramming'..........marcythewhore

Brown Shirt Christians Could Eventually Come to Canada….If They’re Not Already There and You Just Don’t Know It Yet………….

aaah, marcy, you are truly a poet. hey, help me out here: can you give us a checklist or something detailing what it takes to be a brown shirt christian? is it something specific, like a set of behavioural and personality characteristics and affiliations or is it a bit elusive- more of a spiritual blood type? up here in canada we have no such expression (to my knowledge anyway)..................

marcythewhore says: Honey, I am a poet of the times. A rap star in her own right who is always happy to set you straight and dignified and not-living-too-exciting-a-life Canadian kind of people who can’t find their asses with both hands, marcy (me) is more than happy to set you on the straight path to truth………………..marcythewhore



A painting by Frank Kozik documents this poignantly. It depicts a crucified Hitler surrounded by Storm Troopers serving as stand-ins for the Apostles. Christian Identity theology makes a similar claim, however unintended. In a recent radio broadcast an Evangelical minister asserted that Hitler was the fulfillment of the prophetic line in the Bible. Like Jesus, Hitler too was crucified by the Jews. As much as the religious right would like to charge that liberalism has degenerated into fascism and the welfare state has become the authoritarian state, nothing better than an image of a beatified Hitler could demonstrate who's really wearing the brown shirt. Those who repress their identity always seem to project it upon their opponents.

Frank Kozik Concert Posters!

A Spiritualist for Pope..........

Marcy (me) brings you this news release from Cassadaga: For more than a century, the Florida town of Cassadaga, just 35 miles from Orlando, has existed as a metaphysical mecca for spiritualists -- members of a 150-year-old religious cult based on communicating with the dead.
Two years ago, this sacred home to mediums and healers gained center stage in a contentious battle after a Christian group asserted its right to build its church there. A recently reached settlement ends the fight and gives rise to the first non-spiritualist house of worship in Cassadaga.”

Marcythewhore says: Okay, a spiritualist for Pope. Why not? If televangelists can vie for the lucrative job in the Vatican, why not a spiritualist from Cassadaga. Particularly since the Brown Shirt Christians have invaded the once sleepy little hamlet.

The Cardinals are going to get together in conclave to whip out their wankers to see who has the biggest job underneath their smocks.

But the Cardinals are not going to be fooled again like they were when they suddenly discovered that a Polish guy could sport out such a huge wanker.

The rules for picking the new Pope have changed.

One of the new rules this time around is that the guy with the most Italian grandparents will win………marcythewhore

GOPer Bill Clinton Crying into a Hankie at the Vatican

Marcythewhore says: Besides noticing that Republican former Democrat President Bill Clinton doesn’t hang around with Democrats anymore……okay, okay…..we all know that John Kerry was a Republican married to a billionaire running as a Democrat to earn his keep at home. When you are married to a billionaire you just don’t need a full time job anymore. Going to the senate office twice a week leaves plenty of time for wind surfing. How is a president going to wind surf with all those secret service agents hanging on to Kerry’s board.

Anyway, we all noticed that Bill Clinton and the Bush brothers (or are they father and son with another son lurking in the wings or whatever)….we all noticed all those at the Vatican weeping into hankies on the perimeter of the Dead Pope’s body.

And we all know that after four days out in the open air even the Pope starts to stink a little, and those hankies were perfume laced, and all the Catholic mumbo-jumbo about relic worship is no good without Chanel hankies on hand. I mean, come on, you aren’t going to just dip your hankie in the Holy Water and think that you can get through the entire dirge without noticing that maybe this thing has gone on far too Terri Schiavo-like too long.

I mean, what were they using when they dug up Pope John XIII’s body after all those years underground?

I just hope that once the Brown Shirt Christians get Jerry Falwell into the ground that somebody doesn’t start thinking about digging his ass up to go making like some relic worshipping fetish so that the Brown Shirts can get some Vatican like scheme going in Nashville, Tennessee. Or some Night of the Living Dead like scenario.

Okay, Marcy (me) admits to not knowing everything there is to know about sainthood and relic worship and all. I can barely keep up with that snake lasso handling the Brown Shirt Christians use to make themselves gaudy. But Marcy (me) has got this bet going.

The Cardinals sure as hell aren’t going to pick a second non-Italian to be El Papa the Godfather Extreme.

Once they get the Polish guy into the ground it’s business back to normal like it’s been for millenniums already.

And you Brown Shirt Christians waving your copperhead snakes in the air can go back to being envious of the richest little two square miles on earth, cause you know the Vatican has nuclear warheads under the Basilica….and you Brown Shirts got nothing more potent than Charlton Heston with his cold dead hands around a flintlock rifle at an NRA rally……………marcythewhore

Jerry Falwell’s Last Dying Request: Let a Televangelist be the Next Pope.

In the past Jerry Falwell and other Brown Shirt Born Again Christians have accused the Pope of being the anti-christ, and that the Vatican is the anti-Christ’s hotbed of worldly bedevilment.

The nice thing about religions is that none of them like each other.

Christians have been killing Christians far longer than Christians have been killing Muslims or Jews or Buddhists. You can just bet that the first person every killed by a Christian was another Christian.

But now that four million Christians are lined up to view the Pope’s corpse, even Jerry Falwell on his deathbed can see the wisdom of making mea culpa with the Pope, John Paul, who had already made it to heaven in front of Falwell.

Falwell’s health is failing, he is gasping for words, but last night there was no mistaking Falwell’s dying request to the world: “Let a televangelist be the next Pope!”

In Falwell’s fever ridden mind, putting a Brown Shirt Born Again in control of the Vatican will ease a lot of tension between Christians in America. After all, isn’t the goal of all Christians of every kind the same goal as each the other: to dominate the lucrative Christian American market?

Jerry Falwell made his argument clear that a Pope with a bleach blond pompadour hairstyle accented with a red Zoot Suit would look good with all those old paintings stored in the Vatican cellar.

In the meantime, while Falwell’s last request is being pondered, and while four million diehard voyeurs file past the corpse of John Paul for four days so far, in the somber quiet of the Basilica someone was heard to have said, “What’s that smell?”……………marcythewhore

How To Fly Your Flag at Half Mast Happy Endings:

Dear Marcy, when I come into one of your massage parlors I’m always amazed at how submissive your working girls are toward me. How can I get my wife to be so submissive? A Customer in Waiting.

Marcythewhore says: Dear Waiting For Your Pants to Learn How to Fly Like a Magic Carpet……….give me a moment to stop laughing, pick myself up off the floor and dry my eyes.

You actually think that my massage girls are submissive? Why, honey, that’s why they call my girls the ‘Women Who Roar.’

When you are getting a Happy Ending you only think that you are in control of the situation. Your wife knows that little secret about the birds and bees, why don’t the two of you have a talk some night.

Which brings me to the ‘News of the Day for the Thoroughly Confused:’ This morning it was being reported on the local news that a teenage girl had been abducted from a nearby high school by a man in a Ford F-150 pick-up. While the police ran helter skelter scouring the city for signs of the abducted girl, into the classroom comes strolling cool and calm said teenage girl in tight blue jeans.

Naturally the teachers jaw hit the ground. After said teacher picked up her lower jaw from the terrazzo she said, “Everyone is looking for you. You were supposed to have been kidnapped!”

Turned out that the perky and nubile young lass went to Dunkin Donut with a customer for jelly doughnuts and a morning quickie in the front seat.

Which brings me to yet another point of newsworthy notice. Flags at all the high schools in the nation are supposed to be flying at half mast for the Pope’s journey to heaven. Just a while back flags flew at half mast for Muslims who went surfing in the face of an incoming Tsunami. Seems to Marcy (me) that those days are over of reserving the right to fly a flag at half mast for those who are as illustrious to American firepower as General George S. Patton. Now it’s a matter of political correctness to swing the flag half way semi-erect for anyone or anything that can make us American people look momentarily empathetic.

Why, hell, I know a Jewish gentleman who is currently flying at half mast the flag on his yacht in honor of the deceased Pontiff who, after four days of lying in viewing state on a divan is beginning to show definite signs of wear and tear and death on his once Polish body………………….marcythewhore

The Enlarged Penises of the Popes

News of the day from Marcy’s Massage Parlor daily reading list:

BALTIMORE -- A Pennsylvania psychologist, who counsels people who want to change their homosexual orientation, has been removed from an advisory board for the nation's largest managed-care behavioral health company.


Marcythewhore says: Dear Gently Deceived Readers of the Experts, Marcy (me) did not go to medical school. I’m not a psychologist. I’m a massage parlor therapist who owns more massage parlors than you have rooms in your house. If a well trained psychologist says that he can talk gay people out of being gay, that’s that psychologist’s truck.

I’m not going to argue psychology with a Freudian book worm.

The question I intent to pose is why did this particular psychologist chose to create controversy with his name?

I mean, if this psychologist said something like, “I can greatly enlarge your penis with an invention of mine,” and left it at that, there wouldn’t be the controversy. This psychologist could have talked about penis enlarging device without mentioning gay people or straight people or sado-masochists or any other sexual orientation. He could simply have said that he could extend a penis by, oh, say thirty percent and not caused an uproar.

Which brings me to yet another situation about the future Pope.

There’s a rumor going around the Vatican that the next Pope might be a black man from Africa.

You ask yourself how this rumor got started.

Well, marcy (me) is here to tell you that this rumor about an African Pope got started because of another rumor that has been around the Vatican since the days of Michelangelo.

This age old rumor about the Popes has to do with how the new Pope is elected. The rumor from before the fifteenth century goes that all the Cardinals get together in a closed up room and they pull their pants down to compare the sizes of their wankers. The Cardinal with the largest wanker gets to be the new Pope.

Hence, the rumor that a black African man will become the new Pope is running amock in the Vatican today.

This whole rumor business supposedly explains how John Paul, an unknown Polish priest, got to be Pope in the first place. When all the Cardinals got together in the locked up room after the death of the first John Paul, nobody suspected that a Polish guy would have the largest wanker.

By whatever standards these Cardinals elect a new Pope, Marcy (me) has this to say about who could easily win the title of new Pope. I have a customer who comes into my massage parlor who could be the Pope of All Popes in the Happy Ending department, no holds barred.

His name, of course, will remain nameless and on my lips…………..marcythewhore

A Cold, Hard Week for the Fundamental Immortals...death is inevitable regardless of the machine

Marcythewhore whore says: Everyone is either agitated, excited, annoyed or moved to some kind of opinion by the Pope’s death. Me (marcy)? I’m waiting for Jerry Falwell to stop breathing into a nose tube. It was Falwell who called the Pope the Anti-Christ. That’s the way it is with the current crop of Brown Shirt Christians. They hate the Vatican as much as an abortion clinic. I’ll get excited when Falwell meets the Pontiff in the after-life and we get to see just how much forgiveness all this religion has taught both sides. This could be the biggest celestial ten-rounder between the soul of John Paul and the Brown Shirt remains of Jerry Falwell that the universe has seen since the fall in ‘Paradise Lost.’

Talking about people being affected by John Paul’s death, yesterday I noticed my Brown Shirt neighbour pacing in feverish circles in his front yard, mumbling some sort of incantations.

Concerned, I walked over to ask if I could be of any assistance. A free massage at one of my massage parlors? Whatever to calm this obviously agitated Christian.

Remember that look in your 14 year old cocker spaniel’s eyes when you took the crippled animal to the vet to be mercifully put down? That was the look in my Brown Shirt neighbor’s pool of brown eyes. He looked at me with the look of background dirge music and wailed to the heavens, “John Paul is dead and I don’t know how to serve God enough and if there is something I can do for my fellow human!!!”

I replied, “Well, my yard needs mowing.” And shrugged half in jest.

The cocker spaniel look was replaced by the face of a garage brick wall with seven gangsters lined up in front of it’s inconsequential aesthetics. My Brown Shirt neighbor’s mind just hit that brick wall. A second before he was fretting about how he could give his life to making this a better world, suddenly he was faced with the prospect of smelly gasoline in a lawnmower with wet grass all over his shoes, and he was in water fathoms above his previously lofty head.

But at least I stopped his pacing and wailing. “Don’t worry,” I said in the face of his immediate blank stare. “The Pope won’t know whether you mowed my lawn or not.” Brown Shirt looked like Jesus had just slammed shut the door on the last chance of redemption.

I turned and walked back to my house. It’s been a cold, hard week of slaps in the faces of those who have been struggling with the riddle of immortality: ‘everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.’ Which is why in Sunday school they teach children that immortality doesn’t mean your body quits, it just means that your body learns to play a harp and wear wings. Never mind the incongruity that most people live lives less appealing than a 14 year old cocker spaniel’s on its way to euthanasia, and it doesn’t make any sense to want to extend such a useless existence into eternity. At least reincarnation gives you a fifty-fifty chance of coming back as a movie star or something exciting. But people get accustomed to the boring existence and are willing to live out their lives in boredom for the expectation of continuing to live in boredom in heaven, forever and a day.

***
It’s been an especially bad week for the Brown Shirt immortal beggars who were taking Vegas odds that Terry Schiavo would be kept in a zombie state of existence for another fifteen years while machines played the part of her heart and lungs. They simply don’t have a machine that can play the part of a dead person’s liquefied brains.

Some sort of Brown Shirt poetic justice would have been served had the already far right judges continued to travel light years farther into the right field horizon to adjudicated that the baby food feeding tubes be reasserted into just above Terry’s belly button. What poetic justice that would have been for the Schindler parents to have saved for another fifteen years their bulimic daughter’s flesh from actually starting to rot.

Yes, fifteen more years of looking at a zombie hooked up to scuba gear and no more media around to have made the Schindlers feel like fifteen minutes of famous celebrity.

The Schindlers are already feeling the pangs of abandonment. The media trucks are no longer triple parked outside their front lawn. Nobody from Fox or CNN are paying attention to the Schindlers anymore.

Look at it this way, mom and pop Schindler. You had your fifteen minutes of fame. It is your destiny to return to anonymity. But your daughter is waiting in anticipation seated on a front row seat in heaven, waiting for the kickoff of the cosmic battle between Jerry Falwell and John Paul to begin.

Imagine how bad it would have been for you Schindlers had the judge said to replace the feeding tube for fifteen years, and nobody is paying attention to you while your daughter continues to mime life hooked up to mechanical devices.

You Schindlers were destined to be forgotten one way or the other. You’ve been forgotten with the death of John Paul and the impending demise of Jerry Falwell.

***
Let’s give a round of applause to the memory of Hunter Thompson, the man who couldn’t miss himself at close range with a shotgun.

Hunter, like Ernest Hemingway and Kurt Cobain, realized with a shotgun in hand that their usefulness was over. Hunter faced like a man the question of hanging around defoliating the earth with a once vivid existence that had gone south.

John Paul, Jerry Falwell and Ronald Reagan all never saw the enlightening light. They all hung around for far too long than was good for their legacies.

The first ten years or so of John Paul’s papacy were vibrant and alive. After that, John Paul looked silly being propped up by a circle of Cardinals wherever he went to speak in hoarse whispers.

Ronald Reagan’s last years of his presidency were marked by Alzheimer’s and a frightening realization that Reagan could have launched nuclear warheads for breakfast and by lunchtime he’d completely have forgotten the incident.

Jerry Falwell may have been the only one of the triumvirate to have extended his eventual death for a half way decent denouement. Falwell is going to get his clock cleaned by the Pontiff in heaven. That’s worth the price of admission for Terry Schiavo.

At least Hunter Thompson had the maturity of mind to pull the plug on himself the old fashioned way, with a twelve gauge shotgun. Like Hemingway and Cobain. If Vincent Van Gogh had had a shotgun instead of a pistol, Van Gogh would have gone where no resuscitation machine made could retrieve him. Hunter Thompson had the good common sense to be a man by not hanging hang around until he became a cesspool of littering the planet.

What part of it all comes down to is that the Brown Shirts have reversed the psychology of ‘Made in the image of God,’ to ‘Made in the image of man.’

While there’s a perverse, sadistic bent to those Brown Shirts who want to keep vegetative states of zombie existence going in a kingdom of perpetual suffering………marcythewhore

PS.......RIP Martin Luther King....you got whacked on this date in history and didn't bitch all that much about it.......mtw

Just Pick the Right God, Will You For a Change!

hey marcy...........just wondering if it's a hassle for me to be posting 'god-comments' on your blog all the time.don't want to negatively affect your readership.have a good one-jb


marcythewhore advises jb.....................Ohmygawd (figuratively speaking). You are worried about affecting my readership?! For the most part hard drugs and cheap wine can't affect my readership. My readership makes Hell's Kitchen look like Romper Room's den. If you can make my readership laugh........then you might be holding up a mirror to reality for them.

This isn't Ann Landers you are talking to, you know. This is marcy. This is not an advice column where people who have delusions of grandeur that they are the most important religious people in the universe write to ask for advice.

Please try to remember that when you write to marcy for advice, you are already one twisted individual who is having trouble with any number of worldly incidents. Just state your problem and let marcythewhore try to categorize your particular brand of perversity.

Okay, now onto your sick question of whether or not you can talk about God in my column.

Which God do you want to talk about? And for Jesus Barking Christ's Sake, is there a chance in hell you might chose to talk about the right God for a change?

Not that marcy(me) is going to ruin all your fun by telling you which God is the right God. That would be like playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey without a blindfold while using a magnifying glass.

It would be unique if when you want to talk about God in my advice column that you say something interesting and unique about God.

Then, again, if you prefer to use the standard schlock comments so many Brown Shirt religious zealots can't help themselves in reflexively repeating, well hell, that's just more fodder for marcy(me) to lambast into.

But, wait! Let me see if I can correctly assay this burst of curiosity about God you are exhibiting. Could it be that the Pope is about to give up the ghost?

Yep, you figure if the Pope can die, anyone can die. Well, sure. It's not a fair or pretty world we live in (which is why people spend a lot of time talking about God..........they're scared witless while hoping that some divine finger will rescue them....and why is it that so many religious people spend all their time talking about the wonders of heaven, but none of them want to die).

There is even a heavy metal band named God. You can talk about that God if you have the need to mention God...............................marcythewhore